I hope the snails to unite a crown above my head, dragonflies to shimmer on each of my finger tip, blueberries to smear my cheeks, lips and nipples, moss to cover my feet, mushrooms to grow and rot in heartbeat on my chest, live shadows trees and sun tattoo on my skin, open gateways in my eyes, unlift the mist of faraway memories, worms to moist the aromatique earth.. can go on, should write a little holy book of all this to become holy again, then phouuuff! Will I even get back to who I was. Or regain the Godliness that comes within, or maybe it’s all delusional. Maybe it’s all fake. All nothing. A poetic charlatan.
Half a year ago, before sunset I had an encounter, while walking in the forest.
I heard something from the bushes and was sure it was an animal movement I wasn’t familiar with, I stop, looked that direction. Something looked back at my direction, started walking to me as if we’ve met before. I had never seen a badger in my life before. I wasn’t even sure what the heck was walking towards me this fast. It stopped, I take my hand out for it to sniff (that’s ‘hi’ in animal language). It reached, and to my mistake I say ‘hi’ in human. That was unnecessary. And it turned away walked back in the woods.
I stood there like some minutes what just had happened and where I did wrong. Not that we were gonna sit and have tea or anything; I believe it was the ‘hi’. But also at that moment skunk came into my mind and wondered if it does such attacks, and a bit of fear appeared. I also believe that was it.
In nature, if another fears, it means it has a higher chance of attacking. Same for human psychology tho.
We’re just not aware of it.
And is why we often walk away from people sometimes unknowingly. We smell fear.
It was a very cute badger. Very big!!
And so we fantasize.. fictionalize.
Sensual soft foreplay with sun is spring.
Spring is sexy as f.
So is imagination.
Unsharable realm is for those who does not have the emotional budget to actualize.
It’s made for this. Nothing lost, nothing gained is the agreement. Not compared to what can be lost or gained in real life.
I love people.
But that love is kept fresh at a distance. For you burn if too close to sun. drown too close to water.
I do not know the balance.
I am a clumsy magician.
And people are too important to experiment with. I stay put. I breathe. I focus.
Open to learn. but doubt.
Very weird time to be alive.as always. Changing, learning. Nature cycles are holding my hand. Teaching me what it has been doing over centuries.
I am not not drawing or painting.
I am processing the change. I give space to loss. But also space for new.
It’s like I went someplace and observed myself, my life and everyone else from a distance. And I am very suprised over the things I see.
Having such a wow moment, like a documentary. But also calm.
This is new.
I don’t really desire, I do but then like a separate entity. A color pops up, a shape and it moves and flies away.
I desire to be able to take care of myself. Permanently.
I hope to understand people much more on a different level, with whatever I have, and same the other way around.
I am super busy. And I pray.
It’s just about absorbing spring. Knowing it will end, trying to hold on to it before it even really began. Trying to observe from every angle with every light.
Not feeling enough.
Not enough for this world.
Not even close to be for this world.
Because it’s so big. It’s so much. And I so limited, like I am not paying enough respect. Not giving enough attention.
Feeling less-than because I don’t have enough to give.
I am deficit. Like I have malabsorption of nutrients, I can’t absorb enough of what I am experiencing, seeing, feeling. Like my lenses are broken.
This analog photography gadget I found in my father’s stuff, you look down in, you see straight ahead somewhere else and it’s very dusty. It’s a different lens.
You shed a light and move it and all details change.
Then the magic of shadow. Imprint it on me. I want to absorb as possible. Tattoo it on my skin. But it moves. And there is no way to hold on to nature. It moves. All the time. Same essence. Untamable. Super annoying. Humans can not control. It must be stressful on us.
You can’t hold on and encapsulate the pleasant and can not eliminate the discomfort. You might have money. But you still can not capture spring. Spring is never for you. How rejected I feel by spring.
My inside mimics everything happening outside. Knowing I can not replicate the feeling for rest of the year.
The inside and outside. Would it be possible to become spring if I were to leave the body?
This has always been the wonder.
Feeling left out as a human. Like wolfdogs, not a wolf, neither a dog. Stuck inbetween.
We are not unnatural, yet we are not entirely nature now are we? Don’t you feel this alienation while walking a vast forest? Don’t you love it?
You can feel the connection and feel home, yet the alienation and be fascinated. Which other living thing on earth is fascinated by nature as we are?
Which living thing copies images of flowers on their walls, mass produce leave patterns on kitchen towels, give soft grizzly bear replicas to babies. Over and over in all different perspectives, perceptions, shapes,forms and materials.. as if there is a malabsorption.. and it’s just not enough.
We are those aliens.
This massive mess of a being I am. Entangled myself in my own hurricane. Blended into a gew of a thousand slugs. Sits right at the center of my chest. I can’t get oxygen. Veins going dry sometimes. Crumbles into dust blown to the other end of existence by the wind of my very own hurricane. Particles everywhere and NOWHERE. My very own supernova explosion.
Yeah glamorizing it much. It’s nothing as glamorous as a star explosion not gonna lie.
…old incomplete drawing, as usual.
Smell it, hug it, love it, take a rest on it. When a tree hugs you, everything becomes perfectly clear. Everyone is perfect & nothing matters. As it really is.
For me to make art again, something I have within needs to somehow feel unobligated to anything and anyone in any sense.
And that is only possible with sovereignty.
So I take it as it is.
Maybe it’s all in the mind. Sovereign mind. ‘Obligated’ is perhaps a state of mind. And I feel too human right now to be anything else that I am.
I was blissed living in my head before. People hate that. They have to point out everything you must do, because that’s the way to do it and you are ridiculous if you don’t.
Neurodiverse is a made up thing for most.
I am struggling with integrating my new found power in a way that I can attune to that non human free beast within in me.
And that might mean finding a way to support myself in the way both sides are happy. And I am really struggling with that idea. The beast does not like to comply, it does not understand I need to do boring stuff for us to climb trees and dream. It refuses the numbers in a bank account. For it, it does not exist. Beast frowns. My beautiful beast. I don’t want to deny you. I would choose you over human.
We gotta attune. We gotta find a way to make it magical, still.
🦇 Mine Sübiler 🌟
Turkish/ Danish Visual Artist